


Don't Teach Children Things (They Use It Against You)

by etymology_of_etymology



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Alfred Pennyworth is the Best, Batfamily (DCU), Bruce Wayne is a Good Parent, Domestic Fluff, Gen, Good Grandparent Alfred Pennyworth, Good Parent Alfred Pennyworth, Humor, Male-Female Friendship, Sibling Bonding
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:07:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27951281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/etymology_of_etymology/pseuds/etymology_of_etymology
Summary: "There was a package left for you on Themesycra.""Please tell me it wasn't a tire."
Relationships: Alfred Pennyworth & Bruce Wayne, Cassandra Cain & Alfred Pennyworth, Diana (Wonder Woman) & Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson & Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson & Damian Wayne, Duke Thomas & Damian Wayne, Duke Thomas & Jason Todd, Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne, Jason Todd & Damian Wayne, Tim Drake & Alfred Pennyworth
Comments: 18
Kudos: 320





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文-普通话 國語 available: [【授權翻譯】Don't Teach Children Things (They Use It Against You)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29178999) by [rubylee2017](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rubylee2017/pseuds/rubylee2017)



> This is a continuation of my fic, "[Hiding Tires](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27940814)".

"There was a package left for you on Themesycra."

"Please tell me it wasn't a tire."

"Artemis dropped it off."

"It's a tire."

"Do I want to know?" It sounded like she was trying really hard not to laugh at him.

"Don't teach children things."

Now she wasn't even trying to hide her laughter. "Does this happen to be related to what happened at the Watch Tower?"

"Carter and O'Brian didn't even try to stop him."

"I heard they also told you a joke," she said.

Bruce sighed. "They did."

"It was the Christmas song."

"Hmn."

"They were really proud of themselves."

Bruce groaned and Diana laughed again.

"I'll see you in twenty minutes." There was a click as she hung up.

That's right, Diana was coming over for dinner tonight. With so many vigilantes currently active in Gotham Alfred had started insisting on having people over for dinner. They could rarely all the kids to show up for a family dinner with all their conflicting schedules, but they usually made time when there was a guest (especially Wonder Woman).

Bruce looked up at the sound of a soft knock at the open door. Cass stood in the doorway.

"Diana?" she asked.

"Yeah, she said she'll be here in twenty minutes."

"And the tire?" Now Cass was grinning ear to ear. What was with the entire hero community and laughing at his plight?

"Please tell your brother to stop tormenting his poor father."

Cass laughed as she walked away and a moment later he heard Dick shouting: "B!"

"I'm in the office, Dick," he called back.

"Hi Bruce," Dick said as he strolled into the home office.

"Hey. When'd you get in?"

"Just a few minutes ago. Where's Damian?"

"At a friend's. Jason and Duke are picking him up."

"Damian has friends?" Tim said with mock surprise as he walked by.

"Be nice, Timmy," Dick called over his shoulder. "Both of them went?" he asked, turning back to Bruce.

"Duke wanted to get in more driving practice before his test. I'm just hoping that Jason's not using this as a way to hide more tires."

Dick snorted and flopped onto the couch. "How's that going, by the way?"

"Themescrya."

Dick froze in confusion. "Wha-," he started. Bruce could see the exact moment Dick realized his meaning. His face split into a wide smile and his eyes practically shined. (He used to get that look when he was a kid and Bruce agreed to stop for ice-cream. _Just don't tell Alfred_.) 

"No way," Dick breathed, "He did not." He sounded way too impressed in Bruce's opinion.

"He did. Diana just called me."

"How did he even-"

"Apparently, his friend Artemis dropped it off."

"He'll probably start tossing them into the Phantom Zone next," Dick mused.

"Dick, I am _begging_ you not to give him any ideas." 

Dick laughed.

"I have no allies here," Bruce said gravely.

"Richard!" Damian's voice cut through the mansion and pounding footsteps followed. For someone trained in stealth his entire life Damian sure stomps a lot.

"Oh, sounds like they're back." Dick hopped up and looked back at Bruce. "You coming?"

"Yeah, just give me a sec." Bruce heaved himself up from his chair and followed his son out the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I've decided to make this a multi-chapter so...


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Looking around at what some of the other batkids are up to before dinner with Diana.

"I don't know how you're going to top this," Duke said.

"I can always send a tire to Oa," Jason said. 

"Will any of the Lanterns actually-"

"Hey," Jason cut in, "you're drifting a bit to the left."

Duke straightened the car out. "Will any of the Lanterns _actually_ agree to help you out?"

Jason hummed. "A few might, but I think most of them are going through a _responsible adult_ ," Jason made air quotes, "phase at the moment."

Duke shook his head. "Do you think Bruce will go all the way to Oa to get it back?"

Jason chuckled. "Oh, probably." Jason tapped the speedometer. "What's your speed?"

"Umm." Duke glanced over. "It's twenty-five."

"And the limit is?"

"Thirty, I think."

"So you can bring it up a bit."

Duke increased the speed. "Dick makes Signal puns when he drives with me," he said.

"Darn."

"What?"

"I wanted to do that."

**...**

"Is Richard home yet?" Damian asked, as he buckled his seatbelt.

"He'll probably be home by the time we get back." Jason waved to the house Damian came out of as they drove off. "How was your playdate?"

"It was not a _playdate_ , _Todd_." Jason glanced back at Damian. The kid was literally pouting, arms crossed and everything. At Jason's side, Duke was trying not to laugh.

"How was your _not_ playdate then?"

"It was fine I suppose," he said. 

" _It was fine I suppose_ ," Jason mimicked in a high pitched voice.

Damian kicked the back of Jason's chair.

"Can you two please not try to kill each other while I'm driving?"

"It's good practice, Thomas," Damian said. "You never know when your passengers might try to kill each other."

"I really don't want to know how you learned to drive," Duke said.

"I'm betting it was like an Indiana Jones car chase scene."

Damian kicked the back of Jason's chair again.

**...**

Cass poked her head into the kitchen.

"Miss Cassandra," Alfred said, without looking up, "I do hope you realize that if you come in here I will be recruiting you to help with the meal."

"Bored," she said. "I want to help."

Alfred held up a spoon which Cass took. "Then will you ready the bruschetta, my dear?"

Cass was rubbing garlic on the toasted bread when Tim wandered in.

Before Alfred could even speak Tim raised his hands in surrender. "Here to help."

"In that case, Master Tim, how about you arrange the fruit on top of the cheesecake."

"Got it Alfie." Tim retrieved the cheesecake from the fridge and got to work.

"Diana's bringing the tire with her," Cass said. "She called Bruce."

"Yes," Tim cheered. "This is going to be hilarious."

Alfred made a "hmph" sound. "In my opinion Master Bruce has no room to complain about any nonsense his children put him through."

"Okay," Tim said, "what is the craziest thing B did in in his rebellious phase?"

"The word _phase_ suggests that there is an end in sight."

Craziest thing so far?" Cass asked. She started spooning the tomatoes and basil onto the toast.

Alfred raised an eyebrow at her which caused Cass and Tim to dissolve into a fit of giggles.

"Richard!" Damian ran past the kitchen and bounded up the stairs. This was shortly followed by Dick saying "Oof" as Damian slammed into him in the hallway. Alfred gave a resigned sigh, but he mostly sounded fond.

Jason gave a short whistle nearby. "Ace Titus," he called, "it's walk time." There was the jingling of collars as the two large dogs made their way down the hall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to end it in this chapter, but then I decided to cut off the last bit that wasn't done yet and create a third chapter.

**Author's Note:**

> And I've decided to make this a multi-chapter so...


End file.
